No, I'm not really this calm.... not on my own anyway! I've had this lump for over two months, and hoped it would just go away. After all this time and it hasn't altered, I finally took the plunge and called my doctor. I was told he is booked up for weeks, but If I could wait.... the receptionist would see what she could do and call me back with an appointment for sometime that they could squeeze me in. This was last Friday. Well, she called a few hours later and said there had been a cancellation, could I come in at 4:00. Whoa!
Hmmmm.... by now my stomach was in knots and my mind was racing with all the worst-case scenarios playing themselves over. What if it's cancer? What if I have to go through chemotherapy and lose all my hair? What if I waited too long and they can't do anything about it... who will look after my children? Maybe I will have to get a mastectomy... not like that's gonna matter, since I barely have any breast anyway! (this has been the lament of my life!).... hey, maybe I'll be covered for breast reconstruction and can actually have some breasts when this is all done!!! (that would be a dream come true.) Oh, I hope it's just a cyst that can be removed and nothing further done. But that means surgery... what am I going to do with my kids, how will I get there, who will bring me home, how long for recovery? On and on... the questions, the doubts, the fears, the hopes, over and over.
The tormenting thoughts and questions crowded my mind! God, WHY? Why me? Why this? Why now? Haven't I suffered enough already, Lord? Haven't I had so many trials in such a short time? Father, you are exhausting my faith.... I can't deal with any more hardships. What is it you want, Lord? Have I not passed the previous tests..... is this a "re-take"? One by one the answers came. "My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in [your] weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9) And how, God, does this bring glory to you.... is it really necessary? "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isa. 55:8-9) But what about my finances, and my children.... Father, who will take care of all that? "Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? ...for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingodm of God, and his righteousness: and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." (Matt. 6:28-34) Ahhh, yes Lord! You have indeed taken care of everything, and You have always taken care of me. Help me to trust you dear Father.... completely!
And yes, in spite of my worst fears and worries, I have serenity. I have peace and calm that is not of this world. I have certainty that God cares about me, that He is with me through all of this, and that He will give me the strength and courage and grace to handle whatever this may bring. I cannot explain it, for it cannot be explained. It is the comfort of my Jesus, my Creator who loves me so! My heart's desire (even with my fear and doubt) is that God will get glory from my life, no matter what! NO MATTER WHAT bitter trial or painful test I must endure.... I want to praise and glorify my Lord and Saviour. If this is what will bring Him the most honour in my life, then so be it! Whatever the loss, whatever the cost, I will trust God.
I have shared this news with many family and friends already. So many have responded saying they are praying for me, and have encouraged me in many ways. For this, I thank you! I know God is in this, even if I don't like what is happening. I would not choose it, but He has chosen it for me. And my heart knows that He wants what is best for me, not today only but for all eternity.
So today, as I was mixing up some brownies for my kids to eat, this song just suddenly sprang out of my heart! Then I stopped to really "listen" to the words I was singing:
The trusting heart to Jesus clings, nor any ill forbodes,
But at the cross of Calv'ry sings "Praise God for lifted loads!"
The passing days bring many cares, "Fear not" I hear Him say.
And when my fears are turned to prayers, the burdens slip away.
He tells me of my Father's love and never slumb'ring eye.
My everlasting King above will all my needs supply.
When to the throne of grace I flee, I find the promise true:
The mighty hands upholding me will bear my burdens too.
Singing I go along life's road, praising the Lord, praising the Lord.
Singing I go along life's road, for Jesus has lifted my load.
~~Eliza E. Hewitt, 1851-1920~~
God is SO good, and His peace is amazing! I know HE put this song in my heart and made me mindful of its truth.
This is even more precious to me in light of these present circumstances and trials. I only wish to praise the Lord and give Him all the glory, whatever the outcome.